Stellaciel the Box Turtle Man Saga

Disclaimer: Jules cannot be held accountable for comments that may potentially offend Stellaciel (or those rare and few fans of Stellaciel's); they're product of my indulging in a guilty pleasure (i.e., mean humor at Stellaciel's expense) and therefore not *really* my fault. Blame God. He made me this way.

And furthermore: You're right. It *should* be Box Turtle PERSON. Just *TRY* to figure out a way to sue me, blubber nugget.

And - our lovely doodles are by the uber-talented Sae! I tried to doodle, but lost my fingers in the process, and am now typing this with my nose. I couldn't doodle with my nose, unfortunately, and so enlisted the help of a passing philanthropist. THANK YOU, SAE!

*ahem*

And so our tale begins.

Well, I mean, it really begins with me. As all quality works of art should, in my valued opinion.

We all know Stellaciel. Beautiful, talented, unreasonably modest, and possessor of the greatest friends on earth. If I do say so myself.

Her problem, as she was relating to me earlier, is that she will realize that a group of people is so *awesome* and then she'll feel awkward talking to them in school.

Well, Stellie darling. I think I have a solution, which I will detail for you in this snazzy five step process that will ultimately lead to your being a social butterfly. (Think of it as your coccoon. Now I feel like a cheesy motivational speaker, but let's not dwell on that sad fact.)

Step One: Jules Tries to Help Out and Ends up Hindering (as per usual).

Jules (moi) will fly to *censored location* on the last day of Stellaciel's school (presumably June 18, before our snazzy summer program) and tell the student body, "HEY! STUDENT BODY! I'M JULES, I'M SUPER-DUPER, AND I THINK EVERYONE SHOULD TALK TO STELLACIEL!"

And then, because I have this weird magnetism that makes everyone want to please me, everyone will! Stellaciel will suddenly be overwhelmed by popularity! (Wait, it gets worse.)

Step Two: Stellaciel Falls Off the CLIFFS OF INSANITY (I managed to fit in a reference to The Princess Bride! Woo!)

Stellaciel will be minding her own business when her serene mind will be inundated with a chorus of, "Stellaciel! I'm pretty cool and I have a peculiar-shaped nose! Let's chat!" Stellaciel automatically shall beat her headachey-head on the lunch table as Jules watches on, smiling smugly and telling herself, "Well done, young padawan" in that creepy conscience-talks-to-her-like-a-separate-human-being kind of way.

Step Three: Stellaciel Retreats Inside a Box

After running across the country like Forrest Gump with a pack of mild-mob-hysteria-inflicted-admirers, Stellaciel will retreat inside a box.

She will rock back and forth inside said box (though there is little room for rocking) and compulsively light matches. Eventually, she will burn a little hole in the side of her box for air and for me to drop matchboxes in.

Step Four: Poor Stell Gets a Wittle Wonley.

Stellaciel, in an amazing bout of sanity, will realize that matches can't talk, she's actually really cramped and probably developing osteoporosis because Jules didn't have the mind to add some calcium chews to Stellaciel's diet of a gummy vitamin and sugar cubes, and decide that she wants some human contact. But, she will still be vulnerable/traumatized by her human-contact-overload, and want to go slowly.

The Optional Step: In Which Stellaciel Terrorizes Town and is Burned on Stake

Step Five: Stellaciel Breaks Free!

And finally, Stellaciel will burst free of her boxy prison, and live forever-on as a box turtle man, retreating into her box whenever the lowly mortals get too greedy for her attention, and then coming back into public whenever she gets a wittle wonely.

All thanks to Jules.

The. End.